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사람을 변화시키는 힘

  • Felix Clavis 대표

사람을 변화시키는 힘

[문제] What motivated people to change? Plan and write an essay in which you develop your point of view on this issue. Support your position with reasoning and examples taken from your reading, studies, experience, or observations.

사람들이 변하도록 동기 부여를 하는 것은 무엇인가? 독서, 학습, 경험 또는 관찰에서 얻은 논리와 예를 가지고 당신의 주장을 입증하시오. - SAT Essay

[학생 작문] Changing is not [1] a very comfortable task that people like to do. Many people change because they have to [2], people don’t like to move out of their comfort [3] zone.

Some believe that [4] we are inspired to change from the inside. The motivation comes from [5] our conscious mind that constantly tells [6] us to risk something for [7] our own good. However many people believe that the external pressure is a far greater motivating force. [8] The society, friends, and family members [9] press us down and urge for change. [10] Our motivation comes from [11] the outside, because people do not like to [12] risk something for uncertain out come and people [13] like to be norm of [14] the society.

Not many people like to [15] gamble what they [16] already have for something uncertain. People [17] like to just continue what they have been doing unless [18] something or someone from outside tells us to change. The history of Japan clearly [19] tells us. Before [20] the period of major revolution, Japan was [21] a country [22] that was outdated compared to [23] the western nations. Japan traded [24] with only Asian countries such as China and Korea. However, when the United States navy arrived [25] at Tokyo, [26] Japanese government [27] found out that the [28] west had far [29] advanced technology than Japan [30] did. The United States forced Japan to open its harbors for trade [31] and Japan later went to a major industrial revolution. If the United States did not influence Japan [32] for a change, Japan might not [33] have been one of the richest countries in the world.



It is commonly believed that people want to conform [34] with the norm of [35] the society, they fear being the outcasts. Whenever there is [36] a pressure from the [37] group, a person [38] swiftly [39] adjusts to the situation. Senator McCarthy used this [40] to get his will done. McCarthy witch-hunted many people whom he didn’t like. He labeled them as communists and held trials against them. Many people in the United States were convicted of being communists and their lives were ruined. Even though many innocent people were [41] being convicted, people followed [42] McCarthism because they did not [43] want to be [44] the victims. People had to change their lifestyles and ideas in order to [45] stay as norm of the society.

Change may be a good thing or a bad thing. One thing that is true about it is that we must be motivated by something to change. Even though many want to believe that we inspire ourselves to change, it is not [46] true. [47] We are motivated to change from outside as you can see from the history of Japan and McCarthism. However, people must remember that it is not necessarily good to change because of external pressures. We must learn how to find [48] faults if our ownself and motivate ourselves to change.

[첨삭]



[1] a very comfortable task → something

[2] , → ; [3] zone → zones [4] we → people

[5] our → the [6] us → people [7] our → their [8] The 삭제

[9] press us down and urge for → push individuals to

[10] Our 삭제, Therefore 삽입 [11] the outside, → external forces

[12] risk something for uncertain out come → take risks when an outcome is uncertain,

[13] like to be norm → also prefer to conform to the norms

[14] the 삭제 [15] gamble → risk losing

[16] already have for something → already have when the outcome of a gamble is

[17] like to just continue what they have been doing → prefer familiarity and constancy and will not change

[18] something or someone from outside tells us → someone or an unforeseen event forces them

[19] tells us → demonstrates this

[20] the period of major → Japan’s Industrial

[21] a → an outdated [22] that was outdated 삭제

[23] the 삭제 [24] with only → only with [25] at → in [26] the 삽입

[27] found out → discovered [28] west → West(대문자)

[29] more 삽입 [30] did 삭제

[31] and Japan later went to a major → , which led to its

[32] for a change → and encourage change

[33] have been → now be [34] with the norm → to the norms

[35] the 삭제 [36] a 삭제 [37] group → majority

[38] will usually 삽입 [39] adjusts to the situation → comply

[40] to get his will done → aspect of human nature to achieve his own political purposes [41] being 삭제

[42] McCarthism → McCarthy’s anti-communist rhetoric

[43] also 삽입 [44] the 삭제

[45] stay as norm of the → conform to [46] always 삽입

[47] We are motivated to change from outside as you can see from the history of Japan and McCarthism. → From the examples of Japan and McCarthy’s political methods, it can be seen that many people are motivated by forces outside of themselves.

[48] faults if our ownself → ways to improve our own lives


Comment : You have quite a few problems with grammar and word choice, but except for that, this essay is very well done. You have organized it very nicely and made a very good effort to develop a formal tone. You also used a nice variety of sentence structure. There are a couple of things that I would like to point out to you. Look at the following sentences.

Many people change because they have to, people don’t like to move out of their comfort zone.

In the above sentence, you have used incorrect punctuation. This sentence is a run-on sentence. You cannot use a comma to join two independent clauses. Instead, you should use a semi-colon (which I used to correct your sentence), a coordinating conjunction, a subordinating conjunction or a transition word.

Thus, motivation comes from the outside, because people do not like to risk something for uncertain out come and people like to be norm of the society.

In the above sentence, you have again used a comma incorrectly. I see about 30~40% of students making this mistake. You shouldn’t use a comma before a subordinating conjunction when the conjunction comes in the middle of the sentence. You only need to use it when it comes at the beginning of the sentence.

이 에세이는 문법과 단어 선정에 문제가 있습니다. 그러나 이런 점을 제외하고는 매우 잘 작성됐습니다. 글을 잘 구성했으며, 영어의 공식적인 글 톤을 유지하기 위해 많이 노력한 것으로 보입니다. 또한 다양한 문장구조를 사용한 것은 높이 살 만합니다. 우선 몇 가지 점을 지적하려 합니다. 다음 문장을 볼까요.

Many people change because they have to, people don’t like to move out of their comfort zone.

위의 문장에서는 적절치 못한 구두점을 사용했습니다. 이 문장은 run-on sentence라고 하는데 두 개의 독립절을 연결할 때 쉼표만을 사용할 수 없습니다. 대신 세미콜론, 등위접속사, 종속접속사 또는 연결어를 사용해야 합니다.

Thus, motivation comes from the outside, because people do not like to risk something for uncertain out come and people like to be norm of the society.

위의 문장에서 다시 쉼표를 잘못 사용했습니다. 30~40%의 학생이 이 같은 실수를 합니다. 접속사가 문장 중간에 있을 때 종속접속사 앞에 쉼표를 사용해서는 안 됩니다. 종속접속사를 문장 앞에서 사용할 때만 쉼표를 사용할 수 있습니다.



주간동아 2007.08.21 599호 (p84~85)

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