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필요와 욕구가 사람을 바꾼다

  • Felix Clavis 대표

필요와 욕구가 사람을 바꾼다

필요와 욕구가 사람을 바꾼다
[문제]

What motivated people to change? Plan and write an essay in which you develop your point of view on this issue. Support your position with reasoning and examples taken from your reading, studies, experience, or observations.

사람들이 변하도록 동기 부여를 하는 것은 무엇인가? 독서, 학습, 경험 또는 관찰에서 얻은 논리와 예를 가지고 당신의 주장을 입증하시오.

- SAT Essay

[학생 작문]



[1] We live in a society where change is inevitable. With the advancement of computers and technology, what may be true today may not be so tomorrow. As a result, people are apt to change, not only to advance but because they must. Without change, [2] one just cannot keep up with society.

Although people sometimes fear the process of change, [3] they do, and as a matter of fact, they must. The world we live in is cruel and objective; only the fittest [4] survive. With this mindset, people change to become an accepted part of society. People change their ideas, religion, philosophies and even their fashion senses to become an official member of the world. No one gives a second thought to a person who believes [5] that the world is flat. Times have changed, people have changed, and therefore [6] such flippant ideas-although not so back in the time when it was accepted-are not even considered. Change is inevitable, and people must change whether they like it or not.

Another reason people change comes from [7] motivation to [8] become one step ahead of others. This again relates back to the [9] current theme of ‘Survival of the fittest’. To become someone influential, [10] or someone ahead of others, people must change so that their [11] idea may become [12] a phenomenal [13] innovation; thus changing [14]. As humanity [15] strives to [16] become better, change [17] is and always will [18] be a part of the process.

In conclusion, change is motivated by both need and [19] want. People need to change to continue [20] on with their lives [21] and at the same time people want to change in hopes of becoming [22] someone higher than others. [23] Whoever thought that computers would be the most widely-used machine on earth? Bill Gates [24] did, and his change in the world has affected everyone. People now [25] need to know how to use a computer, so they change, and in times to come we will change again. [26]

첨삭



[1] We → People

[2] one just cannot keep up with society. → it is difficult to live in modern society.

[3] they do, and as a matter of fact, they must. → they are forced to change to keep up with modern trends.

[4] survive → are able to achieve great success.

[5] that the world is flat. → ideas that are considered ridiculous.

[6] such flippant ideas-although not so back in the time when it was accepted-are not even considered. → ideas that are not the norm are rarely accepted by others.

[7] the 삽입

[8] become one step ahead of others. → stay ahead of their competition.

[9] current theme → concept

[10] or someone ahead of others, 삭제

[11] idea → ideas

[12] a 삭제

[13] innovation → innovations

[14] the way people think and behave 삽입

[15] continually 삽입 [16] become better → improve

[17] is and always 삭제

[18] always 삽입 [19] want → human desire

[20] on 삭제

[21] and → , but

[22] someone higher than others. → wealthier and more powerful.

[23] Whoever thought that computers would be the most widely-used machine on earth? : Don’t use questions

[24] did, and his change in the world has affected everyone. → was a visionary and could foresee the need for computer technology; his foresight has changed the world.

[25] need to know how to use a computer, so they change, and in times to come we will change again. → must have detailed knowledge about computer programs; otherwise, they will be left behind.

[26] As a result, people are forced to change and this has always been and will continue to be an element of human existence. 삽입


[Comment] You wrote a very good essay. There were no problems with incomprehensibility. Also, most of the changes I made were not because you made mistakes in grammar. I simply re-phrased your ideas to make them more formal or more natural. Pay attention to the corrections that I made, especially in word choice. Try to remember how I re-phrased your ideas so that you can use them in your writing in the future.

You have excellent organization and a very good variety of sentence structures. I made a comment for you not to use questions in your writing. I know you have probably seen questions used a lot in textbooks but you cannot use them in formal papers for university. It’s best to get out of the habit of using them now.

에세이를 매우 잘 썼습니다. 이해하기 힘든 부분이 없었습니다. 또한 교정을 본 대부분은 문법 오류 때문이 아닙니다. 전체적으로 좀더 공식적이고 자연스럽게 하기 위해 수정을 가했습니다. 단어 선정에 대해 수정된 부분에 주의를 기울이세요. 어떻게 당신의 생각을 수정했는지 기억하고, 다음번에 글을 쓸 때 참조하기 바랍니다.

당신의 글은 훌륭한 전개방식과 다양한 문장구조가 활용되고 있습니다. 그러나 아카데믹한 글에서는 의문문을 사용하지 말아야 합니다. 물론 당신이 여러 교과서에서 의문문이 사용된 것을 보아왔다는 것을 알지만 대학교에서 공식적인 에세이를 쓸 때는 의문문을 사용하지 않는 게 좋습니다. 가능하면 빨리 의문문을 사용하는 습관에서 벗어나야 합니다.



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