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David Hwang 의 영어 논술 클리닉

진실만 말한다고 좋은 세상 될까요? - SAT Essay

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진실만 말한다고 좋은 세상 될까요? - SAT Essay

[문제] Would the world be a better place if everyone always told the complete truth? Plan and write an essay in which you develop your point of view on this issue. Support your position with reasoning and examples taken from your reading, studies, experience, or observations.

만일 모든 사람이 항상 진실만을 말한다면 이 세상은 좀더 좋은 세계가 될 것인가? 독서, 학습, 경험 또는 관찰에서 얻은 논리와 예를 가지고 당신의 주장을 입증하시오. - SAT Essay

[학생 작문] Generally, we have been taught that [1] truth is good and [2] lie bad. It is true that [3] lie does have a negative impact on our lives. However, [4] lie is necessary sometimes. If everyone started to tell [5] complete truth, [6] the world would be in disaster. Especially, the national security and areas that are based on secrecy [7] will fail miserably.

[8] The national security would be crippled if everyone told the complete truth. [9] The revealing of military strategic point and amount of weapons that one country has will provide [10] organizations or other nations [11] that might have considered attacking the country [12] strategy on how to attack successfully. [13] If everyone started tell complete truth, then [14] social order would [15] not exist. For example, what if some high government officials [16] told on television that [17] the bomb has been planted in [18] metropolitan area or an airport? The people [19] will become [20] restless and worried. [21] Apparently, too much honesty in the field of the national security [22] will be detrimental.

The competition between companies that drives [23] the capitalistic society [24] will be undermined, which [25] will result in retardation of economic growth. [26] If employee or researchers at a prominent [27] company [28] tells other employees or researchers [29] the secret ingredients [30] that go into the soup can, not only [31] will be the taste of soup [32] same and monotonous, but also companies that used to try to compete with a leading company [33] will stop trying. The lack of competition [34] will then result in [35] uniformization of price and of quality of product. The market, then, [36] will be company­oriented not consumer oriented, because companies [37] aren’t competing each other for consumers’ attention.



In general, telling a lie is a bad thing. Lying to [38] mom about [39] test score or lying to [40] dad about a stolen car, are condemnable. However, if everyone started to tell [41] complete truth, then some aspects of our lives [42] will be disastrous. The national security [43] will fail and [44] will bring social disorder. [45] The economic competition [46] will disappear and [47] will result in retardation of economic growth. Perhaps it is true that there is such a thing as too much honesty.

첨삭



[1] the 삽입 [2] lie → that lies are

[3] lie does → lies do

[4] lie is necessary sometimes → lies are sometimes necessary

[5] the 삽입

[6] the world would be in disaster → it would be a disaster

[7] will → would [8] The 삭제

[9] The revealing of military strategic point and amount of weapons that one country has will provide → Revealing military strategy and the details of our weapons would provide

[10] organizations 앞에 hostile이나 enemy 삽입

[11] that might have considered attacking the country → critical information that would enable them to attack our country

[12] strategy on how to attack successfully 삭제

[13] If everyone started tell complete truth → [Start a new paragraph here] Also, if everyone started to tell the complete truth

[14] the 삽입

[15] not exist → collapse

[16] told → announced

[17] the → a

[18] a 삽입

[19] will → would

[20] restless and worried → hysterical and panic

[21] Apparently → Clearly

[22] will → would

[23] the → a

[24] will be → would also be

[25] will → would

[26] If employee → For example, if employees

[27] soup 삽입

[28] tells → told

[29] about 삽입

[30] that go into the soup can → of their product

[31] will be → would

[32] be the 삽입

[33] will → would

[34] will → would

[35] the 삽입 [36] will → would

[37] aren’t competing → would not be competing : [unfortunately, your knowledge of economics is flawed, but still a good point!].

[38] mom → your mother

[39] a 삽입

[40] dad → your father

[41] the 삽입

[42] will be → would be

[43] will → would

[44] will 삭제

[45] The 삭제

[46] will → would

[47] will → would


Comment : Very good! You thought about it carefully and wrote a decent essay. I’m afraid that what you write does not correspond to the reality of economics, but that is beyond the scope of this evaluation. Suffice to say that it was a good effort.

You have a good vocabulary and some of your sentences are excellent. Only, the things to watch for are 1) articles like “a” and “the” and 2) use of “would” versus “will”. Since you are speculating or imagining what WOULD happen, you should use the verb “would” not “will.” WILL implies that this will definitely happen in the future since it is a certainty. Since you are hypothetically imagining a world where everyone tells the truth, this WOULD be the result, not WILL.

매우 잘 쓴 에세이입니다. 주제에 대해 세심하게 생각하고 글을 쓴 것이 드러납니다. 당신이 쓴 글이 경제의 실제적인 면과 일치하지 않는 부분이 있어 아쉽지만, 에세이 평가기준 영역을 넘는 내용이므로 여기서 평가하지는 않겠습니다.

당신은 상당한 수준의 단어 실력을 갖고 있고, 당신이 사용한 몇몇 구문은 상당히 좋습니다. 이 에세이에서 주의를 기울여야 할 부분은 관사인 ‘a’와 ‘the’의 사용, 시제의 문제인 ‘would’와 ‘will’의 용법입니다. 어떤 일이 일어날 것인지 추측하거나 상상할 때는 미래시제를 나타내는 조동사 ‘will’ 대신 ‘would’를 사용해야 합니다. ‘Will’은 앞으로 일어날 확실한 미래를 암시합니다. 당신은 모든 사람이 진실을 말하는 가상의 세계를 다루고 있기 때문에 will이 아닌 would 를 사용해야 합니다.



주간동아 2007.07.31 596호 (p92~93)

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