어떤 사람들은 대부분의 시간을 혼자서 보내기를 더 좋아한다. 그런데 대부분의 시간을 친구들과 보내기를 원하는 이들도 있다. 당신은 어떤 편인가? 그 이유를 서술하시오. - TOEFL Writing 주제
[학생 작문] People spend their time in different ways.  One is to spend their time alone, and  another is to spend time with their friends.  Those people would have their own reasons how they spend their time, but I believe spending time with friends is more beneficial for myself than spending time alone. I prefer to spend my time with my friends because I don’t feel lonely when I’m with my friends.  Loneliness is a negative feeling when people spend their time alone. It makes people depressed and sad, so it affects people  in a negative way.  In worse case, as a consequence, people would even commit suicide because of loneliness. However, if people spend their time with friends, they feel happiness as they talk to their friends and enjoy their  common hobbies. As long as people are with their friends, they don’t  feel any feeling of loneliness which is  very positive way to live a life. Another reason  I prefer to be with my friends is  because I  could have positive characteristic. People who spend their time alone usually stay in closed area such as home. As a consequence, they stop communicating with other people and think only  themselves, which makes them  to be selfish. However,  as you spend time with friends, people begin to communicate with them and share all the feelings they have. Also, people realize that  various people are living in the society, so they  could start thinking about other people. Eventually, as you think about other people, you could have positive characteristic.  In conclusion, I prefer to spend my time with my friends. As long as I am with my friends, I don’t feel loneliness or any other negative feeling. Also, I  could have more positive  characteristic as I spend my time with friends. It is required for people to communicate with others to belong in one society. By spending time with friends, people could learn how to communicate with others and to adjust in a society.
[Comment] You have a few problems with your essay. First, you didn’t have any paragraphs. It was one whole paragraph and you can see that I have broken it into four paragraphs. Having said that though, your ideas were clearly segregated within that one paragraph. You also have some problems with support. In your first body paragraph, you are generalizing but saying that all people who are alone are lonely which is not true. Be careful of this. In your second body paragraph, you don’t develop your ideas enough. You discuss ‘positive characteristics’ but you don’t say what ‘positive characteristics’ and you don’t discuss exactly how spending time with friends impacts upon the development of those ‘positive characteristics’. Keep these points in mind for your next essay.
당신의 에세이에는 몇 가지 문제점이 있습니다. 첫째, 단락이 구분돼 있지 않습니다. 단지 하나의 단락으로 돼 있으면서 이 에세이는 내용상 네 단락으로 구분된 것을 알 수 있습니다. 당신의 견해는 한 단락 안에서 분명히 분리돼 있습니다. 또한 지지문에서도 약간의 문제가 있습니다. 첫 번째 본문 단락에서, 모든 사람들이 혼자 있으면 외롭다고 말하면서 일반화하는 오류를 범하고 있습니다. 이 점을 주의하세요. 두 번째 단락에서는 당신의 견해를 충분히 발전시키지 않았습니다. 긍정적 성격에 대해 논했지만 긍정적 성격이 무엇인지를 언급하지 않았으며, 친구들과 함께 보내는 것이 긍정적 성격의 발달에 어떤 영향을 주는지 논하지 않았습니다. 다음번 에세이를 쓸 때 주의하시기 바랍니다.
주간동아 623호 (p112~113)