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David Hwang 의 영어 논술 클리닉

나 홀로 놀기와 친구와 놀기 당신은 어느 쪽 ?

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나 홀로 놀기와 친구와 놀기 당신은 어느 쪽 ?

나 홀로 놀기와 친구와 놀기 당신은 어느 쪽 ?
[문제] Some people prefer to spend most of their time alone. Others like to be with friends most of the time. Do you prefer to spend your time alone or with friends? Use specific reasons to support your answer.

몇몇 사람들은 대부분의 시간을 홀로 보내는 것을 좋아합니다. 다른 사람들은 그 시간을 친구와 함께 보내는 것을 좋아합니다. 이 둘 가운데 당신은 어느 쪽을 선호합니까? 당신의 답변을 지지하는 구체적인 이유를 밝히세요.

-TOEFL Essay

[학생 작문] [1] I prefer to spend most of my time alone. [2] Because the [3] more [4] many fields of industry develop, the busier [5] they are than ever before, they have no time [6] thinking of themselves and their problems. If [7] they have [8] a time, [9] they can be flexible in doing whatever they like to do and [10] they can manage their time more easily. Through [11] this arrangement of their time, [12] they can use their time to enhance their skills and experiences. Because [13] they spend most of the time alone, there is no possibility [14] to have any [15] conflict with others and no need to consider anyone’s situation.

It is said that people [16] could [17] not have enough time [18] thinking of themselves and their problems seriously. [19] Thinking of those is very important to develop their personalities and to get along with people [20] on surroundings. Therefore, in order to do [21] so, it is necessary for them to spend most of their time alone. If they [22] have [23] not enough time, they would not be satisfied with themselves and their problems, so their [24] relationship with others might become worse. [25]



[26] They are likely to be easily tired from the routine of daily life. If they spend most of their time alone, they can be flexible in doing whatever they like to do such as doing their hobbies, enjoying sports they like, watching TV, taking a trip and so on. Those things can refresh them to reduce their stress. Also, they can manage their time more easily to spend their time effectively. It helps them [27] improving concentration on their [28] works as well as [29] ability of [30] time management.

[31] As another reason, they [32] can [33] use their time to enhance their skills and experiences. [34] Through many professional institutes, [35] they can spend their time to improve their skills and to increase their experiences. It enables them to complete self-development and self-satisfaction. Through that, they will be able to accomplish their goals such as getting [36] better [37] position.

[38] As I told you before, [39] it is difficult to have [40] a time only for [41] themselves these days because people continue to get in touch with others, which is inclined to stress them. If they have [42] a time [43] spending only for themselves, there is no conflict with others as well as no need to consider anyone’s situation. That helps them to reduce the stress and refresh themselves.

In conclusion, people want to have [44] a time [45] only for themselves because they are very busy. If you don’t have [46] a time [47] only for yourself or you have to work on Sunday, I’m certain that you will be likely to spoil your next week due to your fatigue and anxiety about your personal incomplete work. [48] With my self-confidence, I’m willing to advise you that you had better spend most of time only for yourself or alone.

[첨삭] [1] Your thesis should be at the end of your introduction. [2] Because the 삭제 [3] As 삽입 [4] many 삭제 [5] they : who? You use this pronoun but you don’t refer to anyone. No reference. 누구를 지칭하는지 알 수 없음. ‘they’가 누구인지 분명히 하고 문장을 전개할 것. [6] thinking →to think [7] they : who? No reference .누구를 지칭하는지 알 수 없음. [8] a 삭제 [9] they : who? No reference. 누구를 지칭하는지 알 수 없음. [10] they : who? No reference. 누구를 지칭하는지 알 수 없음. [11] this arrangement of their time → time management [12] they : who? No reference. 누구를 지칭하는지 알 수 없음. [13] they : who? No reference. 누구를 지칭하는지 알 수 없음. [14] to have any 삭제 [15] of 삽입 [16] could 삭제 [17] do 삽입 [18] thinking → to think [19] Thinking of those → This [20] on surroundings 삭제 [21] so → this [22] do not 삽입 [23] not 삭제 [24] relationship → relationships [25] Put an example here: 이것에 해당하는 예시문이 필요. [26] They : You use the pronoun “they” too often. No reference. 누구를 지칭하는지 알 수 없음. [27] improving → improve [28] works → work [29] ability of 삭제 [30] time management → improves [31] As another reason, they 삭제 [32] People 삽입 [33] also 삽입 [34] Through many professional institutes, → through many professional institutes.로 앞 문장에 연결. [35] they can spend their time to improve their skills and to increase their experiences. : repetitive로 삭제 [36] a 삽입 [37] position : position in what? You must be specific. 어떤 지위를 말하는지 명확히 할 것. [38] As I told you before 삭제 [39] it → It [40] a 삭제 [41] themselves→oneself [42] a 삭제 [43] spending → to spend [44] a 삭제 [45] only 삭제 [46] a 삭제 [47] only 삭제 [48] With my self-confidence, I’m willing to advise you that you had better spend most of time only for yourself or alone → Therefore, I prefer spending time alone.


Comment : The overall structure of the essay is good, but you don’t elaborate. You must work on clarity. You have a good grasp of sentence structure, but your essay is difficult to understand because of lack of clarification. Don’t assume your reader knows what you’re talking about.

In addition, you use “they” too often and you don’t refer to anyone in the essay.

Make sure that every pronoun has a conspicuous antecedent in the sentence.

When they or it is used to refer to something or someone indefinitely, and there is no definite antecedent:

INCORRECT : At the job placement office, they told me to stop wearing ripped jeans to my interviews.

CORRECT : At the job placement office, I was told to stop wearing ripped jeans to my interviews.

In order not to confuse the reader, you’d better mention the reference and try to avoid the ambiguous pronoun.

전반적인 에세이 구성은 좋지만, 정교하게 설명하지 못한 것이 아쉽습니다. 문장 구성력은 상당히 좋은데 명료성이 부족해 이해하기가 좀 힘듭니다. 독자가 당신이 말하는 것을 명확하게 알 것이라고 추정하지 마세요.

게다가 대명사인 ‘they’를 너무 자주 사용했고, 에세이에서 어떤 사람을 지칭하는지 언급하지 않았습니다. 독자가 혼동하지 않게 하려면 언급 대상을 나타내야 하며, 불분명한 대명사를 사용하는 것을 자제해야 합니다.

INCORRECT : At the job placement office, they told me to stop wearing ripped jeans to my interviews.

CORRECT : At the job placement office, I was told to stop wearing ripped jeans to my interviews.



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