경험이 당신을 어떻게 키웠나

학생 때 법률사무소에서 일한 경험을 구체적으로 서술한 아래 에세이는 S 외국인학교 학생이 썼습니다. 사진은 인도의 한 법률사무소.

이번 주부터 TOEFL Essay, SSAT Essay, SAT Essay, Personal Statement, Academic Essay 등을 위한 영어논술을 안내합니다. 간단한 문법적 첨삭뿐 아니라 글의 구조와 흐름까지 바로잡아줍니다. 문법에만 의존해 글의 뜻을 제대로 전달하지 못하거나 올바른 단어를 선택하지 못해 답답했던 이들에게 큰 도움이 될 것입니다. 저자 데이비드 황(David Hwang)은 상류층 자녀의 커리어 플래닝을 돕는 교육컨설팅 회사 펠릭스 클라비스(Felix Clavis) 대표로, 코넬대학과 미시건대학을 졸업하고 이화여대 언어교육원 전임강사를 지냈습니다.

문제1. Evaluate a significant experience, achievement, risk you have taken, or ethical dilemma you have faced and its impact on you.

지금까지 겪은 중요한 경험과 성취, 위험 또는 윤리적 딜레마와 그 영향을 평가하시오. - 2006년 미국 대학 공통원서 질문 가운데

학생질문 [1] Many Korean students spend their summer vacations studying, playing or taking time off to relax, but I chose to work in a field that I am interested in. In the summer of 2003 it turned out to be my first job. I worked in the office of a patent lawyer for three months. I worked to get experience in a law firm.

[2] It was my decision to work during the summer and to earn money. I worked everyday for five hours except on the weekends. [3] My work was not as complicated as [4] the lawyers’ were, but [5] later I did assume responsibility for some portion of their workload.



I recall it was very hot and humid that summer. It [6] took thirty minutes [7] by crowded subway [8] to get to my job. Whenever I went to work, I thought of my parents who [9] work hard in their jobs everyday. I felt sorry and thankful to them [10]. [11] I felt sorry because they spent their youth for me, and I felt thankful because of the time and love they gave to me.

At my job, [12] there were lots of cases the lawyers were working on. [13] I could hear their voices speaking on the phone, typing on [14] computer keyboard, and [15] paper tearing sound. [16] Some documents related to [17] the settled cases [18] went into a room that had lots of files with numbers on them. My first job was to arrange these files in order. There were over two thousand files and hundreds of documents [19] that I had to put in the proper places. After arranging them in order, I had to read and type the documents the lawyers were working on. That was the most difficult part because the documents were long and complex, and no mistakes were allowed. If a few important words were mistyped, a lawsuit could be lost.

Working in the law firm [20] for five hours a day put a lot of pressure and stress on me but on most days after work I had dinner with [21] lawyers. [22] They told me that [23] participating in dinner was part of my job because [24] getting rid of stress and making friends from work was one of the rules in their office. The other [25] pleasant time was when I got paid. At first [26] since I was not used to earning a wage this felt awkward, but I also felt proud because earning money was the result of my hard work.

[27] I always felt grateful to my parents, especially my mother. So I spent my money on my mother. I bought her a pair of running shoes, which were very comfortable to wear and to exercise in.

From my job experience I learned [28] some lessons. I learned that [29] the results from hard work are always pleasant, [30] earning money is not easy, [31] and there is a bigger society waiting for me out there. [32] The results of my work experience included the following: I tried to save as much of my salary as possible, [33] my respect for my parents [34] got higher, and my attitude toward work changed. I found out that even though it may be a small job, if I put all my effort into it, it became an important contribution. I will keep working hard to become better person.

첨삭 [1] Many Korean students … In the summer of 2003 it turned out to be my firs job. I worked in the office of a patent lawyer for three months. I worked to get experience in a law firm. → In the summer of 2003 I worked in a patent law office for three months in order to gain experience in a law firm. (Avoid needless repetition in a sentence.)

[2] I had decided to work during the summer to earn money and worked everyday for five hours except on the weekends.

[3] Of course 삽입

[4] the lawyers’ were → the work of the lawyers

[5] later I did assume responsibility for some portion of their workload.→ toward the end, I found myself assuming more responsibility and more important tasks.

[6] took → was

[7] by crowded subway → on a crowded subway

[8] every day just 삽입

[9] work hard in their jobs everyday. → who worked so hard in their jobs.

[10] at the same time 삽입

[11] I felt sorry because they spent their youth for me, and I felt thankful because of the time and love they gave to me. → Sorry that they often had to sacrifice their own lives for me, and thankful because of the time and love they gave to me.

[12] there were lots of cases the lawyers were working on. → the lawyers were preparing many cases.

[13] I could hear their voices → The office was filled with voices

[14] a 삽입

[15] paper tearing sound → especially the sound of tearing paper!

[16] Some documents → Documents

[17] the 생략

[18] went into a room that had lots of files with numbers on them. → were stored in a room that were filed according to number.

[19] that I had to put in the proper places. 생략

[20] for five hours a day 생략

[21] lawyers → the attorneys 중복 회피, 어감 살리기

[22] This was a real pleasure. 삽입

[23] participating in dinner → sharing meals together

[24] getting rid of stress and making friends from work was one of the rules in their office. → making friends at work and was in fact one their office rules.

[25] pleasant time was → pleasure from work

[26] since I was not used to earning a wage this felt awkward, but I also felt proud because earning money was the result of my hard work. → I felt awkward since I had never had a paycheck before, but I felt proud to earn money for my hard work.

[27] I always felt grateful to my parents, especially my mother. So I spent my money on my mother. I bought her a pair of running shoes, which were very comfortable to wear and to exercise in. → The first thing I did with my money was to buy gifts for my parents.

[28] some lessons → several important lessons

[29] the results from hard work are always pleasant → hard work always is rewarded

[30] that 삽입

[31] and there is a bigger society waiting for me out there. → and that there is a larger society out there waiting for me.

[32] The results of my work experience included the following : I tried to save as much of my salary as possible, 생략

[33] In addition 삽입

[34] got higher → increased astronomically

COMMENT : A good, well-meaning and sincere essay. Your earnestness shows very clearly. I think, however, you may want to work on making it less choppy. It seems to move in a somewhat general manner without concrete detail or focus. Also, your sentences tend to be “choppy.” You tie series of disconnected descriptions together about your work experience, but you also need to think deeply about the experience to come up with deeper insights. In that way, your writing style will flow better. Good job!

내용이 효과적으로 잘 전달된 에세이입니다. 글쓴이의 솔직하고 담백한 성격이 명확하게 드러나 있습니다. 하지만 전체적으로 글이 일관성이 없다는 느낌을 주지 않도록 가다듬어야 하겠습니다. 구체적인 내용이 부족하고, 초점도 분명하지 않기 때문에 글이 평범하다는 느낌이 듭니다. 그러다 보니 문장이 잘 연결되지 않고 끊어지는 듯합니다. 일을 하면서 체험한 것들을 일관되게 서술해 구슬을 꿰듯 묶는 작업이 필요합니다. 또한 깊은 통찰을 갖고 많이 생각해야 합니다. 다시 말하면, 초점을 분명히 하고 일관성 있게 서술하는 것이 중요합니다. 그렇게 되면 글이 한결 나아질 것이라 생각합니다.