영국 옥스퍼드대 사회과학빌딩에서 학생들이 공부하고 있다.
전공 과목과 전공 과를 선택한 이유를 설명하시오.
-카네기멜론대 지원서 주제
[학생 작문] When I was young, I enjoyed making [1] things that could give me comfort or enjoyment. [2] Every time I made something new, my mother and father [3] praised me. [4] The more they encouraged me, the more I tried to create new things. Strangely, I was somewhat different from my other family members who include my father, a lawyer, my brother, a photographer, and my mother, a counselor. To them, I had a marvelous talent. [5] At a very young age, I made simple things such as guns made from chopsticks or huge buildings with Lego. As I became older, I started to use more complex, technological objects such as computers, or other electronics. [6] During my teenage years, I preferred mathematics and science to history or English since liberal [7] art subjects [8] don’t provide exact answers like mathematics [9] which [10] consist of formulas [11] and referring answers. [12] By the time I decided on a career path, I [13] had been greatly influenced by my grandfather and uncle who were both doctors. Because of their influence, [14] he began to hold the profession in very high regard. I saw many [15] patients express their gratitude to [16] their doctors, and I thought that I would also love to help others. At the same time, I thought that doctors would also be faced by many challenges when dealing with patients who suffer from severe illnesses and have difficulty in [17] relieving the stress caused by dealing with the fragility of life. Considering these factors, I have decided to become an engineer [18] to make useful equipment for doctors to cure their patients. After majoring in engineering, I will study [19] medicals in depth in order to make the [20] equipment that doctors desperately need to save people’s lives. Nowadays, it is hard to graft the fields of engineering and medicine together. However, when I [21] went to Carnegie Mellon [22] for “Sleeping bag weekend”, I was surprised at [23] the theme of the ‘presentation of application’. The director told us that the most unique feature [24] Carnegie Mellon [25] has is the combinations of [26] the studies. I was fascinated [27] at the fact that there are projects [28] which art students can [29] work with engineering students [30] to make some work done.
[31] I not only apply to Carnegie Melon, but also U of Michigan, U of Illinois, Purdue U, Cornell University. [32] However, I especially liked Carnegie Mellon because of the fact that [33] Carnegie Melon has adequate size of students, great engineering programs, and [34] the location where I can [35] both experience city life and beautiful campus life.
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[Comment] Your write well and your ideas are clear. Try to make the introduction more interesting. You should have told the reader what objects you created in the very beginning. Expand a little more on what kind of things you like to assemble.
In addition, you should not mention other universities where you will be applying. You should make it sound as though CM is the ONLY place you really want to go. I also deleted some information not because it’s not important, but because I think you need a tighter, more cohesive structure. Your organization tends to jump around a bit.
아이디어를 분명히 해 글을 잘 썼습니다. 다만 서론을 좀더 흥미롭게 만들도록 애쓰세요. 첫 부분에서 무엇을 말하려고 하는지 그 목표를 독자에게 분명히 언급해야 합니다. 어떤 부분을 통합하고 싶은지에 대해서도 외연을 더 확장해야 합니다.
지원하고자 하는 다른 대학에 관해서는 언급하지 마세요. 당신이 진정으로 가고 싶은 유일한 대학이 카네기멜론대라는 것을 설득력 있게 표현해야 합니다. 몇몇 문장에서 구조를 좀더 탄탄하고 응집력 있게 만들기 위해 일부를 삭제했습니다. 글이 조금씩 전체 구성에서 벗어나는 경향이 있습니다.
