뜬구름 잡는 학업계획서 작성 금물

[문제] Statement of Intent

학업계획서는 지망 대학원에 입학하려고 하는 이유와 계획, 장래 포부 등까지 밝히는 글입니다. 왜 해당 대학이나 학과에 지원하게 되었으며, 합격하면 무엇을, 어떻게 공부해서 사회에 진출할 것인지를 구체적으로 진술해야 합니다.

학업계획서를 통해 지망하는 학문 분야에 대해 얼마나 준비되어 있는지 그 분야에 대한 열정과 안목, 그리고 학업계획서에 나타난 지망 학문 분야에 대한 태도를 평가합니다. 그러므로 학업계획서는 전공하고자 하는 학문 분야에 준비가 충분히 되어 있음을 보여주는 방향으로 서술하는 것이 좋습니다.

또한 구체적이고 실현할 수 있어야 하며 열정과 진지함이 담겨 있어야 합니다.

[학생 작문] Design [1] bases on [2] our conditions of life. In other words, we express [3] our life and [4] experience communication with others through design. Furthermore design changes [5] our live and creates new culture. [6] So it is really important to have my own view to integrate various aspects of our life, and seize the crucial meaning from the relationship of elements constituting our life. My major intent [7] to graduate study is motivated by [8] it. [9] As Louis I. Khan said “ A good question is greater than the most brilliant [10] answers,” to be a creative designer, [11] self-questioning about the [12] problem of [13] social and physical environment [14] and culture [15] should be proceeded that [16] responding to [17] given condition and [18] solving the problem. So my [19] study goal is to [20] definite my interest in those relationships [21] as design [22] factors, [23] and to develop them into my own idea, then to present the physical environment reflecting my own outlook.



In considering these goals [24] of study studying abroad is [25] better to me because [26] to experience other culture in [27] global environment enables me to go beyond [28] my limited experience, and [29] can give me the precious opportunity to recognize the relationship between [30] the others and me more objectively. And I think the strong research program of [31] department of industrial, interior, and visual communication design [32] in ××× university will satisfy my goal [33] to make a framework for designing better. I intend to study [34] specially interior design with [35] emphasis on [36] an interdisciplinary study [37] base, because I have studied interior and environmental design with [38] my interest in the space, place, and human experience. And I wish to study the [39] interface human and [40] our living environment, and the interior space as a micro-environment within the context of [41] macro-environment, [42] urban environment and architecture based on [43] system ’s view.

My projective career [44] that I am for is not only a career in scholarship or education, but [45] a professional designer established [46] very reflective theoretical and research base. Because, I firmly believe that when developed design study is applied [47] our life, and [48] change our living conditions, the design [49] study can be a more real and worthy thing. I expect that the theoretical base accumulated through questioning and research will enhance design [50] project. Above all, I hope to contribute as [51] culture creator [52] can enrich human experience. And I [53] convince that systematic research based on the integration of theory and practice during graduate school will increase my potential.

[첨삭]

[1] bases → is based

[2] our → the [3] our life → our lives

[4] experience communication → experiences to communicate

[5] our live → our lives

[6] So it is really important to have my own view to integrate various aspects of our life, and seize the crucial meaning from the relationship of elements constituting our life. : This statement is extremely confusing. I am not quite sure what you’re trying to say. 새로 쓰거나 삭제

[7] to → for [8] it → this view

[9] As 삭제

[10] answers,” to be → answers.” To be

[11] self-questioning → one should question his/herself

[12] problem → problems

[13] the 삽입 [14] and → surrounding

[15] should be proceeded that 삭제

[16] responding → not respond [17] any 삽입

[18] solving → try to solve [19] study → educational

[20] definite → express [21] as → through

[22] factors 삭제

[23] and to develop them into my own idea, then to present the physical environment reflecting my own outlook.: What are you trying to say? 새로 쓰거나 삭제

[24] of study 삭제

[25] better → important

[26] to experience other → experiencing another

[27] this 삽입

[28] my limited experience → my own limited experiences

[29] can 삭제 [30] the 삭제

[31] the 삽입 [32] in → at

[33] to make a framework for designing better 삭제

[34] specially 삭제

[35] an 삽입 [36] an 삭제

[37] base 삭제

[38] my → an

[39] interface human → relationship between humans

[40] our → the [41] a 삽입

[42] and 삽입

[43] system’s view → a systematic view

[44] that I am for 삭제 [45] instead, I am to be 삽입

[46] very → in

[47] our life → to our lives

[48] we 삽입 [49] study 삭제

[50] project → projects [51] a 삽입

[52] who 삽입 [53] convince → am convinced

Comment : Don’t spend so much time trying to make your language sound eloquent. It doesn’t do anything if the reader doesn’t understand what you are trying to say! Keep things simple! Basic grammar mistakes have been corrected, but the overall effectiveness of this essay is not there. You are not clear in your point. What is your thesis? Are you trying to say that design is a reflection of human culture? It is more important to be clear and direct than to string together words that sound good. American universities get tons of applicants every semester; therefore your “statement of intent” will be more effective if you are clear in what exactly your intent is.

당신의 언어를 설득력 있게 표현하는 데 지나치게 많은 시간을 할애하지 마세요. 당신이 말하려고 하는 바를 읽는 사람이 이해할 수 없다면 아무 소용 없기 때문입니다. 모든 것을 명확하고 간단하게 하세요. 첨삭 과정을 통해 몇몇 문법적 오류는 고쳐졌지만 전반적으로 이 에세이는 효율적이지 않습니다. 전달하려는 요점이 명확하지 않습니다. 주제는 무엇인가요? 디자인이 인간문화의 반영이라는 것을 말하려고 애를 썼나요? 괜찮아 보이는 단어들을 한데 묶는 작업보다는 명확하고 직접적으로 표현하는 것이 더 중요합니다. 미국의 대학은 학기마다 수많은 응시원서를 받습니다. 그러므로 당신의 의도가 무엇인지 명확하게 표현하면 더 효과적인 학업계획서가 될 것입니다.