[문제] Statement of Intent
학업계획서는 지망 대학원에 입학하려고 하는 이유와 계획, 장래 포부 등까지 밝히는 글입니다. 왜 해당 대학이나 학과에 지원하게 되었으며, 합격하면 무엇을, 어떻게 공부해서 사회에 진출할 것인지를 구체적으로 진술해야 합니다.
학업계획서를 통해 지망하는 학문 분야에 대해 얼마나 준비되어 있는지 그 분야에 대한 열정과 안목, 그리고 학업계획서에 나타난 지망 학문 분야에 대한 태도를 평가합니다. 그러므로 학업계획서는 전공하고자 하는 학문 분야에 준비가 충분히 되어 있음을 보여주는 방향으로 서술하는 것이 좋습니다.
또한 구체적이고 실현할 수 있어야 하며 열정과 진지함이 담겨 있어야 합니다.
[학생 작문] Design  bases on  our conditions of life. In other words, we express  our life and  experience communication with others through design. Furthermore design changes  our live and creates new culture.  So it is really important to have my own view to integrate various aspects of our life, and seize the crucial meaning from the relationship of elements constituting our life. My major intent  to graduate study is motivated by  it.  As Louis I. Khan said “ A good question is greater than the most brilliant  answers,” to be a creative designer,  self-questioning about the  problem of  social and physical environment  and culture  should be proceeded that  responding to  given condition and  solving the problem. So my  study goal is to  definite my interest in those relationships  as design  factors,  and to develop them into my own idea, then to present the physical environment reflecting my own outlook.
In considering these goals  of study studying abroad is  better to me because  to experience other culture in  global environment enables me to go beyond  my limited experience, and  can give me the precious opportunity to recognize the relationship between  the others and me more objectively. And I think the strong research program of  department of industrial, interior, and visual communication design  in ××× university will satisfy my goal  to make a framework for designing better. I intend to study  specially interior design with  emphasis on  an interdisciplinary study  base, because I have studied interior and environmental design with  my interest in the space, place, and human experience. And I wish to study the  interface human and  our living environment, and the interior space as a micro-environment within the context of  macro-environment,  urban environment and architecture based on  system ’s view.
My projective career  that I am for is not only a career in scholarship or education, but  a professional designer established  very reflective theoretical and research base. Because, I firmly believe that when developed design study is applied  our life, and  change our living conditions, the design  study can be a more real and worthy thing. I expect that the theoretical base accumulated through questioning and research will enhance design  project. Above all, I hope to contribute as  culture creator  can enrich human experience. And I  convince that systematic research based on the integration of theory and practice during graduate school will increase my potential.
Comment : Don’t spend so much time trying to make your language sound eloquent. It doesn’t do anything if the reader doesn’t understand what you are trying to say! Keep things simple! Basic grammar mistakes have been corrected, but the overall effectiveness of this essay is not there. You are not clear in your point. What is your thesis? Are you trying to say that design is a reflection of human culture? It is more important to be clear and direct than to string together words that sound good. American universities get tons of applicants every semester; therefore your “statement of intent” will be more effective if you are clear in what exactly your intent is.
당신의 언어를 설득력 있게 표현하는 데 지나치게 많은 시간을 할애하지 마세요. 당신이 말하려고 하는 바를 읽는 사람이 이해할 수 없다면 아무 소용 없기 때문입니다. 모든 것을 명확하고 간단하게 하세요. 첨삭 과정을 통해 몇몇 문법적 오류는 고쳐졌지만 전반적으로 이 에세이는 효율적이지 않습니다. 전달하려는 요점이 명확하지 않습니다. 주제는 무엇인가요? 디자인이 인간문화의 반영이라는 것을 말하려고 애를 썼나요? 괜찮아 보이는 단어들을 한데 묶는 작업보다는 명확하고 직접적으로 표현하는 것이 더 중요합니다. 미국의 대학은 학기마다 수많은 응시원서를 받습니다. 그러므로 당신의 의도가 무엇인지 명확하게 표현하면 더 효과적인 학업계획서가 될 것입니다.
주간동아 597호 (p92~93)