[문제] Should people make more of an effort to keep some things private? Plan and write an essay in which you develop your point of view on this issue. Support your position with reasoning and exam- ples taken from your reading, studies, experience, or observations.

사람들은 어떤 것들을 비밀로 만드는 데 좀더 많은 노력을 기울여야 하는가? 이 문제에 대한 당신의 견해를 발휘하도록 에세이를 기획하고 쓰시오. 논리적 추론과 당신의 독서, 학업, 경험, 관찰에서 얻은 예를 들어 입장을 뒷받침하시오. - SAT Essay 주제

[학생 작문] Many things need to be done in an appropriate moment. One of the most significant moments is when a person expresses his or her point of [1] views. [2] Nowadays many people are [3] open minded. [4] What it means, they like to express their thoughts and beliefs. There are certain times that the [5] “expressions” have to be made. [6] Due to too much of sharing views, [7] many people started to have conflicts in meetings: meeting with friends, family, teachers, and so on. Therefore, people need to put [8] more an effort to keep their views more private.

Sharing too much information with people may [9] lead to a bad relationship. Today [10] religions have become a serious issue. [11] “Religious” is a type of a problem that people can’t find the true answers. [12] Since people don’t know the truth, they started to ask questions. People started to share their views with each other. However, sharing point of views [13] ended up having a big fight. For example, [14] Jews and muslims. They became enemies because of expressing and sharing their views. [15] Due to the fact many people have died. If [16] they had put more effort keeping their views private they would not have become enemies. [17] Since they expressed too much of their beliefs they ended up killing many people.

Sharing views little bit with each other can [18] make people to understand each other; however, too much of sharing can lead to [19] a bad ending. Therefore people need to be wise when they express their opinions.

첨삭 [1] → view [2] → Nowadays, [3] Are you referring to American society? This is a generalized statement. [4] → Which is to say, people these days [5] Why is this in quotation marks? Perhaps you mean “controversial opinions”? [6] → Due to a recent trend for excessively sharing one’s views, however, [7] → there seems to be an increase in the number of confrontations and conflicts. [8] → more of an effort in keeping their views [9] → lead to negative aspects, particularly in relationships. [10] → religion has [11] → “Religion” has been a problem that has troubled people who can’t find answers that they have been seeking. [12] Here, you veer off topic into a discussion about “truth” when you should try to focus on privacy. [13] → often ends up in conflict. [14] → Jews and Muslims became enemies through expressing and sharing their views. [15] → Due to this fact, [16] → Jews and Muslims had put more effort in keeping their views private, [17] This argument is logical, but unfortunately, unrealistic. Religion is not a private matter, but often a communal one that involves entire societies and populations, even nation-states. To state that we could avoid wars and killing if people would simply keep their religious views private is quite unrealistic and a very weak argument. [18] → help people [19] → negative consequences

[Comment] Agreed. I think you are logical and that you have made a very good point. People should restrain themselves, as the saying goes, when talking about religion and politics! However, take a look at the question again. It asks about divulging and sharing thoughts and feelings, not just religious beliefs. You have used a very controversial topic as an example -religious freedom-as a way to support your argument, but instead you have ended up walking in a very controversial minefield! Try to use another example that is more pertinent to the question at hand and you should be fine.

논리적이고 매우 일리 있습니다. 하지만 주어진 질문을 다시 한 번 보기 바랍니다. 질문은 종교적 신념이 아니라, 사고와 감정을 표출하고 나누는 것을 요구합니다. 당신은 당신의 논점을 뒷받침하는 한 방법으로 종교적 자유와 같은 매우 논란이 되는 주제를 사용하고 있습니다. 그러나 논리적 함정에 빠지기 쉬운 곳으로 이끌면서 결론짓고 있습니다. 질문에 좀더 관련된 다른 예를 사용하기 바랍니다.