성공하려면 경쟁력이 필요한가?

성공과 경쟁력의 관계를 생각케 하는 영화 ‘뻐꾸기 둥지 위로 날아간 새’.

[문제] Do people have to be highly competitive in order to succeed? Plan and write an essay in which you develop your point of view on this issue. Support your position with reasoning and examples taken from your reading, studies, experience, or observations.

성공하려면 경쟁력을 갖춰야 하는가? 독서, 학습, 경험 또는 관찰에서 얻은 논리와 예를 가지고 당신의 주장을 입증하시오.

- SAT Essay 주제

[학생 작문] The hunger for success is a [1] feeling many [2] have experienced [3] before. [4] And as the desire to achieve grows, the search for [5] keys to [6] success expands as well. [7] But, when things go wrong, the ingredients [8] to [9] success are [10] considered to be [11] qualities of being highly competitive, [12] ruthless forceful, cunning, and tough-minded. However, being highly-competitive is not needed to achieve success, [13] as it can be demonstrated though Gandhi, the characters from The Tortoise and the Hare and One Flew over the Cuckoo’s Nest.

Gandhi is an exemplary figure in world history [14] that demonstrates the futility of being highly competitive [15] to succeed. Gandhi was a fighter for peace [16] · struggled to gain civil rights for his people. Although he had a burning passion [17] · a strong will to succeed, he did not choose to be highly competitive [18] , and yet, still accomplished his goal. Instead, Gandhi chose to be non­violent, to show no aggression or ruthlessness despite the violent suppression he faced from the British [19] officers. Through [20] constanty · preseverance, Gandhi ultimately [21] succeed in on­going peace · enlights for his people. [22] And he did this all without [23] bringing “superior force, superior cunning, and superior ruthlessness.”



The Tortoise and the Hare [24] from one of Aesop’s fables [25] are also [26] representative [27] examples of the ability to succeed [28] with being highly competitive. The hare, eager to beat the tortoise in a running race, easily outran the tortoise. However, it [29] got lazy, and assumed that getting some rest would be harmless [30] , because it would still be able to win the [31] tortoise. [32] The tortoise, on the other hand, without feelings of any competitiveness, consistently ran · eventually succeeded: the tortoise beat the hare in the race. The hare was outraged at his loss; he knew that [33] the hare was capable of winning the race. Still, the tortoise was the one who found success­[34] with at all being highly competitive.

Randle McMurphy is another great character that inspires those to succeed without being ruthless, cunning, aggressive, or highly competitive. From Ken Kesey’s famous novel, One Flew over the Cuckoo’s Nest, Randle McMurphy was determined to crush the head nurse of his psychiatric ward. Despising the [35] feelings of oppression and the lack of freedom in his ward, McMurphy continued to challenge the nurse’s ability for control [36] her patients. The nurse, despite McMurphy’s cunning, [37] rude · ruthless ways, easily won [38] over their battle simply using her secured position [39] in power as the head nurse. The downfall of Randle McMurphy is a clear exemplification of the needlessness of being highly competitive in order to succeed.

The keys to success [40] are all those besides superior force, superior [41] cunning · superior ruthlessness. [42] To achieve goals, it is crucial to have perserverance, [43] patience · remain consistent, as demonstrated through Gandhi, the tortoise and Randle McMurphy.

첨삭

[1] → passion that [2] individuals 삽입

[3] → in their lives [4] → Also, [5] → strategies [6] → succeed

[7] → However [8] needed 삽입 [9] achieve 삽입 [10] often 삽입

[11] the 삽입 [12] → ruthlessly [13] → and this

[14] → who demonstrated [15] in an attempt 삽입 [16] → and

[17] → and [18] → However, he [19] officers 삭제

[20] → fortitude and

[21] → succeeded in achieving peace and enlights

[22] → Futhermore, [23] → using [24] → , [25] , 삽입 / are → is

[26] a 삽입 [27] → example [28] → without [29] → became

[30] → , 삭제 [31] → race

[32] → On the other hand, the tortoise without any competitive feeling, consistently ran and eventually succeeded in winning the race.

[33] → he [34] → without [35] feelings of 삭제 [36] over 삽입

[37] → rude and ruthless ways [38] → the battle by

[39] → of [40] → do not have to include

[41] → cunning and superior ruthlessness

[42] → Instead, to achieve one’s goals

[43] → patience and consistency

[Comment] Your essay is excellent. You’ve used excellent examples and have organised your points extremely well. You clearly laid out the points you were to discuss in your thesis statement and logically discussed each point in turn. The only flaws which I will point out is that you should not begin sentences with coordinating conjuctions. You began some sentences with ‘an’/ ‘but’. You can notice that I changed these to ‘Also’, ‘However’, ‘Furthmore’respectively. One other thing is that it’s best to write ‘and’ in full and don’t use ‘·’ in your sentences. Other than that, this was really well done.

잘 쓴 에세이다. 적절한 예제들을 사용했고 주장하는 요점을 매우 잘 구성했다. 주제문에서 논하고자 하는 요점을 명확하게 펼쳐놓았으며, 이어 각 요지를 논리적으로 논했다. 주의할 점은 등위접속사로 문장을 시작하지 말아야 한다는 것이다. ‘and’/ ‘but’ 같은 접속사로 몇몇 문장을 시작했기에 이를 각각 ‘Also’ ‘However’ ‘Furthermore’로 고쳐놓았다. 그리고 다른 경우는 온전하게 ‘and’를 사용해야 하며 문장에서 ‘·’를 쓰지 않도록 한다.