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사람들은 어디서 행복을 발견할까요?

  • Felix Clavis 대표

사람들은 어디서 행복을 발견할까요?

사람들은 어디서 행복을 발견할까요?
[문제] Do you think that people are capable of finding happiness or are they always searching for something beyond what they have? Plan and write an essay in which you develop your point of view on this issue. Support your position with reasoning and examples taken from your reading, studies, experience, or observations.

사람들은 행복을 찾는 능력이 있거나 항상 가진 것 이상의 무엇을 추구한다고 생각하는가? 이 문제에 관해 독서, 학습, 경험 또는 관찰에서 얻은 논리와 예를 가지고 당신의 주장을 입증하시오.

-SAT Essay 주제

[학생 작문] Happiness is the ultimate goal of life for almost all people. However, people often misunderstand where happiness lies or how happiness [1] comes to their lives. Nowadays, many search [2] happiness in money, sex [3] and ill drugs, believing that those will provide them with a shortcut to [4] substitute for happiness. Also, people often [5] mistake that happiness never existed until their desire is fulfilled. However, I believe that happiness exists everywhere, even in the process of searching for happiness. Thus, people are more than capable of finding happiness [6], even though they continually “search for something beyond what they have.”

It is [7] innate that people work and struggle to find happiness. Although many complain about getting up in the morning and [8] taking the painful shower everyday to go to work, people go to work to earn money [9] , so that [10] they can fulfill the necessary need to gain happiness, whether [11] it is shelter, food, car or leisure. [12]



What many do not realize is that through their lives [13] they find [14] and feel happiness even though they [15] have not achieved their [16] goal of life. Even though [17] the everyday work seems laborious and [18] painful, [19] they actually feel happy that they have successfully [20] taken a part of society. In other words, ‘a hard day’s work’ makes people happy. This can be [21] proven through a brief personal example that I believe many have [22] felt during their adolescence. I [23] have been terribly sick once, and [24] although the pain had grown very large in me, I was happy [25] to not go to school for a [26] pretty long time. However, I [27] had felt very bored after [28] couple days of missing school, even though [29] video games and [30] cartoon shows accompanied me at home. I realized that I was actually [31] happy when [32] going to school and having fun with friends and teachers at school. Even though [33] the goal for me then was to finish school and move on to junior high [34], I was happy during the process of achieving [35] the goal. Likewise, even though [36] people all have goals [37] to pursue happiness, during the process of finding happiness, they already have acquired it.

Some people tend to think negatively about their lives and [38] abase themselves that they will never be happy again. However, they should never lose hope for it is easy to find happiness because happiness [39] waits even in the process of achieving [40] the ultimate happiness. [41] Anyone is more than capable of finding happiness [42] for it only takes a slight change in people’s mindsets.

첨삭



[1] → can be achieved [2] for 삽입

[3] → or illegal drugs [4] 삭제

[5] → make the mistake in thinking that they cannot be happy until they fulfill their desires.

[6] in the simple everyday aspects of life, 삽입

[7] → an innate quality of humans to

[8] → going through the everyday process of going to

[9] , 삭제

[10] → they can use that money to secure the objects that provide people with happiness

[11] → they are

[12] 해설이 좀더 추가되면 단락이 훨씬 좋아짐

[13] → , people [14] → in simple every day things

[15] → may not have achieved [16] → main goals in life.

[17] 삭제 [18] → monotonous [19] → people

[20] → participated in [21] → demonstrated [22] → experienced

[23] → was [24] → despite the pain [25] → not going

[26] → very [27] → became

[28] → missing school for a couple of days

[29] I had a lot of 삽입 [30] → cartoons [31] → happier

[32] → I went to school and had

[33] → working towards the goal of finishing school and moving on

[34] was quite difficult at times 삽입 [35] → that [36] → all people

[37] → which they believe will provide them with ultimate happiness, many unknowingly achieve the happiness they desire through working towards their goals.

[38] → believe that they will never find true happiness.

[39] → can be found

[40] → what is deemed to be

[41] → Every person [42] , 삽입


[Comment] You wrote a really good essay. You organized it very well, and you used good examples. I have already commented that your first body paragraph would have been better with more explanation. As you can see, your first body paragraph is a lot shorter than your second paragraph. It seems to be a bit unbalanced. It would also have been good to mention that people find happiness in small things like the smell of fresh coffee in the morning, sunshine, a pretty flower or other things. People find happiness in these things even though they may not always realize it. You used a nice variety of sentence structures in your essay and you don’t have any errors in your structure. You still have some errors in grammar and some awkward expressions, so pay attention to how I have corrected those.

아주 잘 쓴 에세이입니다. 구성을 잘했고 좋은 예제들을 사용했습니다. 첫째 단락에 설명이 추가됐다면 더 좋은 글이 되었을 것입니다. 첫째 단락이 둘째 단락보다 너무 짧아 균형이 맞지 않아 보입니다. 사람들이 사소한 것, 이를테면 아침의 신선한 커피 냄새나 태양빛, 예쁜 꽃 같은 것에서 행복을 발견한다고 언급하면 좋을 것입니다. 사람들은 인식을 잘 못할지라도 이런 것들에서 행복을 발견하기도 합니다. 다양한 구조가 사용된 에세이이며, 문장구조에서 실수가 거의 없습니다. 문법적인 요소에서 약간의 실수와 부적절한 표현이 있었는데, 이것을 어떻게 고쳤는지 잘 살펴보시기 바랍니다.



주간동아 612호 (p96~97)

Felix Clavis 대표
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