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진보는 항상 긍정적일까요?

  • Felix Clavis 대표

진보는 항상 긍정적일까요?

진보는 항상 긍정적일까요?

인류 진보의 역사를 알 수 있는 미국 자연사박물관의 앤 · 버나드 스피처 인류기원관’.

[문제] Do you agree that progress is always positive? In an essay, support your position with discussing an example (or examples) from literature, the arts, science and technology, history, current events, or your own experience or observations.

진보는 항상 긍정적이라고 생각하는가? 이 문제에 관해 독서, 학습, 경험 또는 관찰에서 얻은 논리와 예를 가지고 당신의 주장을 입증하시오.

-SAT Essay 주제

[학생 작문] “Progress” is usually thought of as a positive thing. When people say, “He has made some progress,” others perceive it as a positive concept. Most of the [1] times, progress is positive, and positive progress can benefit one in many different ways. [2] But there are times when progress can also be harmful and [3] give negative effects. Thus, it will be [4] safest to say that [5] progress is [6] a “challenge.”

One’s progress can promote numerous [7] salutations. It could provide guiding principles by letting one acknowledge new ideas [8], thus making him/her more informed and intelligent, and progress can also provide more opportunities [9]. [10] This opportunity is noticed usually when someone [11] achieve some progress [12] and his intending to stretch out more. Thus stepping forward and making progress might [13] sound always promotive and safe. [14] But let’s examine the situations when progress can [15] work counterly and become negative.



“Making progress” can be [16] reiterated as stepping forward. [17] But who said that one will always profit out of stepping forward? Sometime [18] taking progress can [19] be miserable. [20] Think of case when people in stock markets take a challenge and make a progress. [21] Nobody knows what the outcome will [22] look like and many times [23] they lose most of their money. [24] So progress [25] can be positive, but [26] also [27] negative [28] ; just like flipping a coin.

The main theme of the novel, “Father of the Fathers” by Bernard Weber gives a perfect example of misguided progress. Although the main character [29] search for the “missing link” of human evolution, every time he [30] progressed to grasp something new, he [31] continued to fall deeply into “missing link: and [32] become more and more confused. Finally he [33] finds out that [34] present human is the missing link and [35] it [36] is never understandable, he gives up. Therefore, [37] groping progress can sometimes [38] informative and positive, [39] it could also be disastrous and misguiding.

[40] Conclusively, progress is not always [41] a positive action. It could certainly be informative, salubrious, and [42] providing opportunities, but it could also be miserable, misguiding, and even harmful. Therefore, [43] taking a progress is a challenge. [44] If progress is always positive, whey doesn’t everyone progress at any time?

첨삭



[1] → time [2] → However, [3] → have

[4] → safe [5] the road toward 삽입 [6] → full of [7] → greetings

[8] 예시문이 필요함 [9] 예시문이 필요함

[10] → These opportunities are. [11] → achieves

[12] and his intending to stretch out more 삭제

[13] → seem desirable [14] → However, some

[15] → have undesirable side effects will be discussed in this essay. [16] → restated

[17] → However, stepping forward does not necessarily mean that one will profit from that action.

[18] taking 삭제 [19] → create undesirable situations.

[20] → A good example of this is the stock market. Many people take a risk by investing a lot of money in the hope of making a profit.

[21] → Unfortunately, nobody [22] → be,

[23] → stock market investors [24] → As a result, [25] → is

[26] without a caution, it can 삽입 [27] be 삽입

[28] ; just like flipping a coin. 삭제 [29] → searches

[30] → attempts to progress by trying to understand

[31] → falls deeper into the [32] → becomes

[33] → discovers [34] → human life in its present condition

[35] as 삽입 [36] → can never be understood

[37] → searching for

[38] → be positive. [39] → but, it can [40] → In conclusion,

[41] → positive [42] → provide [43] → taking steps toward progress

[44] If progress is always positive, whey doesn’t everyone progress at any time? 삭제


[Comment] The points that you make in your essay are very good. You used two very good examples to support your point but you also needed to use examples (very short) to help explain the points made in your second paragraph. There are some parts which are not clear which I marked in orange. You also have quite a few sentence errors so pay attention to how I corrected them. Look at this sentence: Therefore, groping progress can sometimes informative and positive, it could also be disastrous and misguiding. This sentence is a run-on. You are using a comma to join two independent clauses together and this is incorrect. Be careful of run-on sentences. Finally, be careful of your word choice. Check to make sure that the word you are using is appropriate.

이 에세이에서 당신이 말하고자 하는 요점은 매우 명확합니다. 요점을 뒷받침하기 위해 두 개의 예제를 사용했는데, 두 번째 단락에서 그 요점을 설명하기 위해 예제를 사용할 필요가 있었습니다. 그러나 단락 중 불분명한 부분이 있었기 때문에 글의 흐름상 이를 삭제했습니다. 또 몇 가지 오류가 있는 문장이 있었습니다. 제가 고친 부분에 주의를 기울이십시오. 다음 문장을 보면,

Therefore, groping progress can sometimes informative and positive, it could also be disastrous and misguiding.

이 문장은 run-on 오류(두 개 이상의 주절을 접속사 없이 쉼표로 묶은 문장)입니다. 두 개의 독립절을 묶으려면 접속사와 쉼표를 같이 사용해야 합니다. 그렇게 해야 올바른 문장이 됩니다. run-on 오류를 범하지 않도록 주의하세요. 마지막으로 단어 선택에 주의를 기울이기 바랍니다. 당신이 사용한 단어가 적절한지 확인하십시오.



주간동아 611호 (p96~97)

Felix Clavis 대표
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2021.06.11

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