나쁜 선택과 좋은 선택, 결과는 모두 부정적 일까요?

영화‘위대한 개츠비’

[문제] Are bad choices and good choices equally likely to have negative consequences? Plan and write an essay in which you develop your point of view on this issue. Support your position with reasoning and examples taken from your reading, studies, experience, or observations.

나쁜 선택과 좋은 선택은 모두 똑같이 부정적인 결과를 가져올 것인가? 독서, 학습, 경험 또는 관찰에서 얻은 논리와 예를 가지고 당신의 주장을 입증하시오. -SAT Essay 주제

[학생 작문] How [1] we make [2] the decisions is very important because [3] the decisions can change the consequences that [4] we are going to face. [5] It is obvious that bad choices will lead [6] us into terrible situations. However, [7] we can not say that [8] good choice always [9] benefits to us, [10]because good [11] choice [12] sometimes [13] give us risks rather than [14] advantages. Since [15] we can not predict what the perfect decision for particular problem is, [16] we should always pay great attentions and be careful in making decision.

Although good choices can afford us great advantages, it can also have negative results. For example, in the novel The Great Gatsby, [17] once a poor boy, Gatsby [18] made [19] decision to be rich so he could overcome the gap between Daisy, [20] Gatsby’s lover, and himself. Enduring whatever he had to, Gatsby finally became a rich man whom everyone [21] respects. One day, he saw the Daisy with her husband. Daisy already married other man [22] while Gatsby kept thinking of her. [23] Can this be good choice? Considering in his economic side, it is a good choice, but he failed his main goal of loving Daisy. Therefore, good choices and bad choices emerge from different points of views.

Since [24] we are not god, we don’t know what [25] are the good choices and bad choices [26] before [27] we actually [28] encounter the problems. For example, when I wrestled for 2 years, this experience [29] gave me both good and bad consequences. I became physically strong and [30] got the endurance that I can overcome any other hard workings. However, I struggled with my school work. [31] What about I didn’t do the wrestling? [32] [33] Then I will not be as strong as right now. [34] But my grade would be better than what now I have. [35] There always be good and bad results [36] for any choices.



In conclusion, because there are negative consequences for both good and bad choices, [37] we should make a decision [38] that we can reduce the damage the most. [39] On the other hand, since there are negative consequences for good choices, there might be positive consequences for bad choices too. [40] We should think of this and always try hard to make our consequences which will be helpful to us.

첨삭

[1] → people [2] the 삭제

[3] the 삭제

[4] → they will ultimately have to

[5] It is obvious: It’s best to avoid statements like this because it may not be ‘obvious’ to everyone. There is no way to determine that everyone knows this.

[6] → to [7] → it is not possible to say

[8] → good choices

[9] → have positive benefits

[10] either 삽입

[11] → choices [12] can also 삽입

[13] → present [14] → benefits

[15] → it is not possible to

[16] → it is important that great care is taken in decision making.

[17] once a poor boy, 삭제

[18] , who was once a poor boy, 삽입

[19] the 삽입

[20] → the woman he loved,

[21] → respected

[22] → , but despite this, Gatsby continued to love her.

[23] Can this be good choice? 삭제

[24] → humans have no ability to predict the future, there is no way for them to

[25] are 삭제 [26] are 삽입

[27] we 삭제

[28] → encountering problems.

[29] → had

[30] → developed great endurance.

[31] → Don’t use questions.

[32] Therefore, there were two possible outcomes depending on my decision. If I had not participated in wrestling, 삽입

[33] → then I would not be as strong as I am right now.

[34] → However, my grades would be better than now.

[35] → As a result, there are always

[36] → for any decision.

[37] → it is important to make the decision

[38] → which will result in the most positive consequence.

[39] → People should also remember that

[40] We should think of this and always try hard to make our consequences which will be helpful to us. 삭제

[Comment] Your reasoning and examples in your essay are very good. I think they effectively support your opinion. You have a little problem with clarity in some of your sentences. Always try to write so that you are expressing your ideas as clearly and concisely as possible. Try to avoid questions because they are too informal. Also, be careful of making statements such as: Everybody knows, Every sensible person will think that, It is obvious that. These statements reduce the effectiveness of your writing.

이 에세이는 논리와 예제들이 매우 좋아서 효과적으로 필자의 견해를 뒷받침하고 있다. 몇몇 문장에서 명료하지 못한 점이 있다. 가능하면 생각을 명확하고 간단하게 표현하면서 글을 쓰도록 노력해야 한다. 문장 가운데 의문문을 쓰면 격식 없는 글이 될 수 있으므로 피하는 게 좋다. 또 “Everybody knows, Every sensible person will think that, 또는 It is obvious that”과 같은 문장은 글의 효율성을 떨어뜨리므로 주의하는 게 좋다.